shinjukudivision | (no subject)

[The progression is slow. Still slow. Doppo is still nervous to take up too many places in Jakurai's home. But he'll do it when he's completely sure the other man is settled.

It's a Saturday night, one of Hifumi's bigger nights at the host club, he was lonely, and longing for company (for once) is what brought him to shuffle into Jakurai's apartment at some weirdly late hour of the night.]

I'm home.

[He's tired, and that just sort of slipped. He realizes it quickly. Maybe Sensei wasn't even here.] -- ah, I mean. I'm here. I'm here, Sensei. I brought some take out.

Edited 2018-11-19 07:37 (UTC)

Welcome home.

[Jakurai responds to the first way of speaking - because he isn't going to make Doppo apologize for feeling familiar. not in this space, which doesn't have the distance of the clinic. though his apartment is as tidy as one would expect from a doctor, there's a quality that makes it feel lived in, and Jakurai stands from where he'd been reading on the couch.]

You didn't have to do that, Doppo-kun. But I thank you all the same.

[which is why he's coming over to take whatever Doppo's carrying, or his coat. whatever he'll allow. it's about being comfortable, he's stressed before - about simply giving himself permission to exist.]

[Some part of him is really appreciative that Jakurai is like this. Familiar but not pushy. Doppo allows him to take the food from him, and he will hang up his coat on the peg he always hangs it on.

It really is late, why is Sensei even awake? Why is he even awake?]

Coming over without something in hand seemed a little rude. It isn't much. Just some containers of soup from the place down the street from here. It's cold after all.

[Can Jakurai even tell he's lonely? That he came here because he was tired of staring at a wall when he COULD be staring at something much nicer?]

Let me make tea, then, for the both of us.

[there's a way he says things sometimes that still sound like doctor's orders - but he couples them with a smile, to make it less authoritative. he also gestures Doppo into the living room, where the sofa he'd been sitting on has a blanket that can help warm him up while Jakurai lets the water boil.

he can read the loneliness like an illness, knows the lines between solitude and an absence. and if Doppo was to come over, even if he brought nothing but himself, then it is Jakurai's responsibility (and, he'll admit, something of a fondness) to take care of it. the key Doppo has is meant to be used, the same way anything else is.

tea is fast, and if Doppo's hungry, then they can go to the soup, but first things first. it's not long before Jakurai is pressing a mug into his hands, taking up his own seat again, but with the book abandoned.]

Tell me what's on your mind.

[He won't protest, he will only take his spot on the opposite end of the cough. Yes, that's right, his spot. When Hifumi came along there was an arrangement. For all of them. They all had a place, and they all had their own thing.

Doppo resided a little closer, though. Sometimes he would dare to take the spot in bed next to Sensei. Sometimes he would lean comfortably if they decided to watch television. This was the trust the that other man had earned from him already.]

Nothing in particular today? Work is still hell, my life is still a series of unfortunate mishaps....

[A bitter laugh.] I don't know what to do about this tight, empty feeling in my chest.

[the spot next to him is always open, the offer to bring himself closer as well. Jakurai arranges the blanket over them both and sets his tea down - it still needs to steep.

that sensation Doppo describes could be anything, though. stress, guilt, sorrow...a combination of so much, welling up in him. instead of saying anything at first, Jakurai pauses, and then pats the space next to him. he doesn't have to hide in the corner for this. there's a time for treating this as a doctor, and one for treating this as a friend.]

[ He sets his cup down as well. Internal struggle says not to move, desire says to move. He wants to move closer, but he doesn’t. He decides it’s far better to suffer in peace in his corner.

It’s going to take a little more convincing if Sensei really wants him to move closer.]

I haven’t been sleeping well again.

Really? Can't sleep, or nightmares?

[fine. if Doppo won't come to him, there's no helping it. there's only Jakurai moving closer, willing to meet him halfway about this.]

Can't sleep, nightmares, all of it. All the time.

[His work is a personal nightmare that he refuses to quit. He likes the work, hates the environment. It's kind of the worst.

He notices Jakurai shift over, peace offering? There never any reason for Jakurai to be this nice to Doppo. He just was.]

Sensei... it's nice when you're closer. But I can't help but feel selfish for being in your personal space.

[He just....he just needs a little encouragement. To be given the okay.[

It's alright. It's not selfish, Doppo-kun.

[not when he's offering so freely, not when he's been offering. it's the green light he knows Doppo needs verbally - that what he wants, he can have. if he wants contact and closeness, then Jakurai can give it to him - and all the better for how they soothe him.]

It’s not?

[He scoots closer, arms going around the other man. Deep breaths, deep breaths. He can do this. He arranges himself, comfortable. Head resting on Jakurai’s shoulder. Doppo is tired and lonely.]

Is it okay if I stay the night? I’ll sleep on the couch.

[there he is. warm and secure and taking the deep breaths he needs, that Jakurai hopes will ease something of what he feels in his chest.]

My bed has enough room for two people.

[he's not going to force Doppo to sleep on the couch. he barely sleeps as it is - he needs comfort.]

Edited 2018-11-20 02:39 (UTC)

Sensei, I don’t want to take up space in your bed.

[His breath heightens again, a little less confident than before. Doppo wishes he were more confident. Had more of a spine. Anything. Being selfish and taking what he wanted were very hard for him. For someone like him who just lays down and takes things as they are dealt.]

Sensei? Do you ever feel like you can’t ask for what you want? Because taking what you want is wrong?

Yes.

[and he had grown very good at self denial, at controlling it all into a measured allowance that barely touched the surface of what he wanted. but Doppo didn't need to know how deep his self sacrifice ran - not when it's about him.]

But then I also remember that I'm human. And no human can live without desire - and then I question if the reason I believe it is wrong is because it truly is, or because I am trying to make myself not want it.

Most of the time, I end up realizing that I should ask and take.

[That's right. Sensei is human too. Just like him. Just like Hifumi. Sometimes Doppo thinks the man in front of him is a god. That he can put him on a pedestal. Maybe he doesn't want to be there.

He curls his body more into the other man's.]

Then what if I ask things of you, Sensei? Will you ask things of me too?

[Doppo already did Jakurai one big thing, he took the microphone. He raps in Matenrou's name. But he feels like he could do more.]

Maybe.

[he exhales slow, and turns his body so he can hold Doppo better, make him feel more secure.]

But ask of me, Doppo, please. Otherwise, how will I know what you want?

[Oh, he dropped the honorific. Doppo will be more familiar then. More comfortable. But just enough.]

Jakurai-san, I want to spend more time with you. Outside of work, outside of you giving me therapy.

[...he pauses again, words getting caught in his throat.]

Jakurai-san, I've been denying myself the fact that I have feelings for you.

[the use of his name clues him into how serious it is, and before he can really process that, Doppo's...confessing. to him. to him? why?

he doesn't pull away, but he goes more still, eyes widening as he takes in this info. Doppo...cares for him, in a way beyond crew, beyond friends. his heart, he has to admit, stumbles a little at the news.]

I...had no idea.

[not offended, not rejecting him. just surprised, because he hasn't thought of anyone looking at him in that way.]

Honestly? I really didn't put two and two together for a while. We started as business partners, and then I became your patient, and now I'm part of your crew. The progression is a little strange, sure...

[This is like a Doppo rant, mild, and not depreciating himself. Baby steps.]

I know you probably don't feel the same for me, and that's fine. It was better for me to be honest about how I felt though. Thanks...for listening.

My heart always feels a little lighter around you.

[very subtly, his arms tighten around Doppo.]

Does it?

[he still doesn't know what to say. but he's not pushing Doppo away, he wants to listen, to soak in these strange new words. these ideas.]

The stresses leave me for a while, I really only ever focus on you.

[It's nice to focus on other people. It's nice to be near someone who genuinely cares for your well-being.]

But really, it's fine if you don't feel the same.

I'm not sure what I feel.

[the words are softer, but they're still honest. it's just...been a long time since someone looked at him, saw him. since he entertained the idea of feelings for another person that ran in a different direction than anything he knows.]

But I know a way to discern the truth.

What way is that?

[Doppo gives him a look. Uncertain of what he means. Doppo is close, and wanting to be closer still. This is a feat for him, as a person who isn't always keen on such flamboyant displays of physical affection even in private.]

I can move away if this is too much.

That's not what I mean.

[he's close, yes, close enough that if Jakurai shifts, he can easily turn his head and gently press his lips to Doppo's. it was the swiftest way he could think of for deciphering his feelings - instead of what would have been the weeks of consideration in free time, the wondering if this made all of their work together different, the awkward tension between them that would have been there.

he kisses him, because he can - because he wants to. what this ends up revealing in his heart, he'll have to find out.]

[This is where Doppo’s brain left his body. It’s only for a moment, but it’s a long moment. He considers that Jakurai is kissing him, and that maybe he didn’t need to soil his good image by kissing someone like him.

As quick as it exited, his brain returned. Kicking into overdrive. He kisses back, and it’s hungry. Hungry for the affection he never gets, hungry for the things he always seems to be denying himself.]