shinjukudivision | (no subject)

[the spot next to him is always open, the offer to bring himself closer as well. Jakurai arranges the blanket over them both and sets his tea down - it still needs to steep.

that sensation Doppo describes could be anything, though. stress, guilt, sorrow...a combination of so much, welling up in him. instead of saying anything at first, Jakurai pauses, and then pats the space next to him. he doesn't have to hide in the corner for this. there's a time for treating this as a doctor, and one for treating this as a friend.]

[ He sets his cup down as well. Internal struggle says not to move, desire says to move. He wants to move closer, but he doesn’t. He decides it’s far better to suffer in peace in his corner.

It’s going to take a little more convincing if Sensei really wants him to move closer.]

I haven’t been sleeping well again.

Really? Can't sleep, or nightmares?

[fine. if Doppo won't come to him, there's no helping it. there's only Jakurai moving closer, willing to meet him halfway about this.]

Can't sleep, nightmares, all of it. All the time.

[His work is a personal nightmare that he refuses to quit. He likes the work, hates the environment. It's kind of the worst.

He notices Jakurai shift over, peace offering? There never any reason for Jakurai to be this nice to Doppo. He just was.]

Sensei... it's nice when you're closer. But I can't help but feel selfish for being in your personal space.

[He just....he just needs a little encouragement. To be given the okay.[

It's alright. It's not selfish, Doppo-kun.

[not when he's offering so freely, not when he's been offering. it's the green light he knows Doppo needs verbally - that what he wants, he can have. if he wants contact and closeness, then Jakurai can give it to him - and all the better for how they soothe him.]

It’s not?

[He scoots closer, arms going around the other man. Deep breaths, deep breaths. He can do this. He arranges himself, comfortable. Head resting on Jakurai’s shoulder. Doppo is tired and lonely.]

Is it okay if I stay the night? I’ll sleep on the couch.

[there he is. warm and secure and taking the deep breaths he needs, that Jakurai hopes will ease something of what he feels in his chest.]

My bed has enough room for two people.

[he's not going to force Doppo to sleep on the couch. he barely sleeps as it is - he needs comfort.]

Edited 2018-11-20 02:39 (UTC)

Sensei, I don’t want to take up space in your bed.

[His breath heightens again, a little less confident than before. Doppo wishes he were more confident. Had more of a spine. Anything. Being selfish and taking what he wanted were very hard for him. For someone like him who just lays down and takes things as they are dealt.]

Sensei? Do you ever feel like you can’t ask for what you want? Because taking what you want is wrong?

Yes.

[and he had grown very good at self denial, at controlling it all into a measured allowance that barely touched the surface of what he wanted. but Doppo didn't need to know how deep his self sacrifice ran - not when it's about him.]

But then I also remember that I'm human. And no human can live without desire - and then I question if the reason I believe it is wrong is because it truly is, or because I am trying to make myself not want it.

Most of the time, I end up realizing that I should ask and take.

[That's right. Sensei is human too. Just like him. Just like Hifumi. Sometimes Doppo thinks the man in front of him is a god. That he can put him on a pedestal. Maybe he doesn't want to be there.

He curls his body more into the other man's.]

Then what if I ask things of you, Sensei? Will you ask things of me too?

[Doppo already did Jakurai one big thing, he took the microphone. He raps in Matenrou's name. But he feels like he could do more.]

Maybe.

[he exhales slow, and turns his body so he can hold Doppo better, make him feel more secure.]

But ask of me, Doppo, please. Otherwise, how will I know what you want?

[Oh, he dropped the honorific. Doppo will be more familiar then. More comfortable. But just enough.]

Jakurai-san, I want to spend more time with you. Outside of work, outside of you giving me therapy.

[...he pauses again, words getting caught in his throat.]

Jakurai-san, I've been denying myself the fact that I have feelings for you.

[the use of his name clues him into how serious it is, and before he can really process that, Doppo's...confessing. to him. to him? why?

he doesn't pull away, but he goes more still, eyes widening as he takes in this info. Doppo...cares for him, in a way beyond crew, beyond friends. his heart, he has to admit, stumbles a little at the news.]

I...had no idea.

[not offended, not rejecting him. just surprised, because he hasn't thought of anyone looking at him in that way.]

Honestly? I really didn't put two and two together for a while. We started as business partners, and then I became your patient, and now I'm part of your crew. The progression is a little strange, sure...

[This is like a Doppo rant, mild, and not depreciating himself. Baby steps.]

I know you probably don't feel the same for me, and that's fine. It was better for me to be honest about how I felt though. Thanks...for listening.

My heart always feels a little lighter around you.

[very subtly, his arms tighten around Doppo.]

Does it?

[he still doesn't know what to say. but he's not pushing Doppo away, he wants to listen, to soak in these strange new words. these ideas.]

The stresses leave me for a while, I really only ever focus on you.

[It's nice to focus on other people. It's nice to be near someone who genuinely cares for your well-being.]

But really, it's fine if you don't feel the same.

I'm not sure what I feel.

[the words are softer, but they're still honest. it's just...been a long time since someone looked at him, saw him. since he entertained the idea of feelings for another person that ran in a different direction than anything he knows.]

But I know a way to discern the truth.

What way is that?

[Doppo gives him a look. Uncertain of what he means. Doppo is close, and wanting to be closer still. This is a feat for him, as a person who isn't always keen on such flamboyant displays of physical affection even in private.]

I can move away if this is too much.

That's not what I mean.

[he's close, yes, close enough that if Jakurai shifts, he can easily turn his head and gently press his lips to Doppo's. it was the swiftest way he could think of for deciphering his feelings - instead of what would have been the weeks of consideration in free time, the wondering if this made all of their work together different, the awkward tension between them that would have been there.

he kisses him, because he can - because he wants to. what this ends up revealing in his heart, he'll have to find out.]

[This is where Doppo’s brain left his body. It’s only for a moment, but it’s a long moment. He considers that Jakurai is kissing him, and that maybe he didn’t need to soil his good image by kissing someone like him.

As quick as it exited, his brain returned. Kicking into overdrive. He kisses back, and it’s hungry. Hungry for the affection he never gets, hungry for the things he always seems to be denying himself.]

[the well of giving that exists in Jakurai is bottomless - he always finds more to give away of himself, to respond to need and act in its fulfillment, to come to the aid of another. a selfish kind of selflessness, that neglects to care about the cost when the reward was there. Doppo is starved for affection, attention in a way that tells him yes, that reminds him that he too is human, with all the will and want of one.

it is all too easy to give him exactly what he wants this kiss to have. permission and care and all of his focus on Doppo alone. not quite lost in the kiss, but enough. enough to let him know. I see you.]

[Doppo wonders to his very core, even caught up in this kiss, if the man before him is doing this just to please him. Just to make things a little easier for Doppo. Is Jakurai doing this because he wants to, or because he feels like he had to.

How does he lock away all of the bad thoughts his brain gives him, especially at such an inopportune moment. Why can't he just give in to his selfish desires? He really wants to.

He pulls away after a moment.]

... is it okay to do this? To kiss you? To ask you to keep kissing me?

[it doesn't make things clearer, for Jakurai. it makes them more blurred, the distinction between friend and close and someone who he wants to kiss, and he wishes he knew if it came from sincere desire or because he needed the contact, if this is him giving himself away or if they're meeting in the middle. he doesn't know, and so he has to breathe, eyes searching Doppo's.]

Yes. I was the one who kissed you first.

[he instigated this. if Doppo wants to continue, then maybe things will fall into place. the line between caring for Matenrou to the exclusion of things else and caring personally is a tricky one.]

[Doppo wants to continue. But he finds himself shifting, turning Jakurai's head towards him again and putting himself first for once. Pressing their lips back together. Doppo isn't like the ebb and flow of the ocean. He's the first wave of the storm, he's a force all his own when he crawls out from under his pile of paperwork.

This time the kiss is far more confident, like Doppo has finally figured out what he wanted and is taking charge.

When he pulls away? He's a little more than breathless.]

[it crashes into his chest, and Jakurai finds himself grateful for it. to witness this, to see Doppo take control of his own wants. there is a core stronger than steel under everything else, and when it shows, he's every bit a wolf that could be hoped for.

the confidence helps to clear out some of the doubt. this is what Doppo wants. and, Jakurai is beginning to feel, it's what he wants as well. remove the haze of doubt and apology. just be selfish, and take.

he's not the only one breathing harder when they break apart, Jakurai's eyes having closed and being slower to open. his eyes take in Doppo's face, his lips, the look in his eyes. and then he nods just a touch. it's still okay.]