shinjukudivision | (no subject)

Then we...just be patient. I guess?

[Doppo laughs a little under his breath, curling even closer to Jakurai at that.]

You know, I really am not the one to be asking for advice from. You really are a lot better at it than I am.

I'm far from perfect. I need advice just as much as anyone else does.

[even if he's always the helper, the caretaker. the one in charge, the oldest who looks out for the rest.]

And I value your perspective. You see things I might overlook.

It feels weird to give you advice if only because your opinion and Hifumi's opinion are the only ones that I ever care to hear. No one else matters to me. I don't ever really care what people think.

I get worked up over my job, but in the end...all of those people are shit. My managers are uneducated fuckwits and they don't pay me nearly enough to deal with what I deal with. I'm the one making all of their calls while they sit on their asses all the time.

Ah— but that... wasn't the focus here.

No one has ever told me before that they cared for anything that I had to say. No one.

[He looks down and away, how...how did Jakurai have this effect on him?]

I talked too much again, sorry about my habit.

Doppo. Please don't look away like you're ashamed of speaking to me.

[why is he ashamed? why does he want to hide, in private, when Jakurai is here to listen?]

You don't have to be sorry for saying what you want. Not to me. Not to Hifumi. Tell us everything, in as many words as you want.

[rant, if he needed to. scream and cry, if he needed to. to make him breathe easier, to work through whatever rollercoaster of emotions they're on right now, from stress to kissing to the truth that burns so bright at his core.]

Let me listen. I care for it all.

I talk too much and I end up ranting. It's just a really bad habit, I know even if you say you want to listen to it... you probably have a lot more to deal with. I don't want to be the cause of someone's stress.

I'm stressed enough, and knowing I caused it for someone else would make me sick to my stomach.

[He can't breathe right now, actually. Breath caught in his throat. Aaah, why is he always like this? On Sensei's lap no less.]

[he lets go of him, but only so he can cup his face in his hands, and make Doppo look at him. he doesn't need a mic to make his voice calm, soothing, to try and heal where the wrong is.]

Breathe.

[breathe with him. slow inhale, slow exhale.]

You are not the cause of my stress. I'm [-part of your crew. your doctor. your friend. your something else.] -right here. If you rant, then you rant. And I'm glad, to know you trust me enough to tell me all of this.

[His world comes back, each piece falling back in line where it should. This is much better than choking on his own breath. His eyes trail back down to Jakurai's.

Breath in, breath out. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Not too fast, and not too slow. The rise and fall of their chests matching.]

I want to be someone who makes you happy, but... how can I do that when I don't know how to be happy?

We can figure it out. Over time.

[together, is the implication. slowly, he lowers his hands to rest on Doppo's shoulders.]

Happiness will come to us when we least expect it.

[He nods, not sure of what else he can say. Not sure how he can really remedy this situation any further. He takes a breath in, and a breath out. He looks deep into Jakurai's eyes for a moment before making this decision.

He leans in, pressing their lips together again. Determined to find solace in this.]

[the motion doesn't catch him entirely by surprise, so he kisses back - sweetly, not pushing too far, but there for him. there to take this where he wants, to give him the comfort he's searching for. words and actions, if they can't remedy this, if they can't fix this. at least he can be kissed and reminded he is valued through the feeling.]

[It helps, definitely. Anything helps with Jakurai. He just had this natural calming quality about him. Doppo finds himself seeking it more often than not.

When he breaks the kiss, he rests his forehead against Jakurai's.]

[one of his hands begins to rub Doppo's back, steady and trying to soothe. anything else is long forgotten, apart from the delicate task of making sure that Doppo stays together, that he feels safe. calmer, in this space.

and it's Jakurai that leans in to kiss him one more time, just a little kiss on his lips, before he pulls Doppo closer to him, tucking his body back against him. safe, secure, never going to push too far. treasured and worth protecting, worth listening to. whether his words were whispered so low or screamed at the top of his lungs.]

Why are you such a giving person, Sensei? You give and give, and I want to give back to you. But I don't know how. I don't know what I can do for you.

[He frowns, tucking his body against, Jakurai's. Putting his head on his shoulder and letting himself be held. He doesn't mind this. He doesn't mind being taken care of right in Sensei's lap.]

You don't have to. This is who I am - what I enjoy doing. Those I care for - I want to see them healthy, happy.

[no one needs to give anything back to him. he wouldn't even know what to do with it if he got it. what could someone give him? what does he even want, aside from everything related to others?]

But when does Sensei, no, Jakurai. When does Jakurai make time for himself? To receive instead of give?

[Doppo is... serious, actually.]

[Jakurai falls silent at that, and it's his turn to glance down. he does make time for himself - goes out of the city, finds places to be calm on his days off, but is that the same thing? when he's brought them into it, when he does it so they can experience the same peace, and he can't tell where this duty ends and his wishes begin.]

...Not as often as I should.

[taking, receiving, instead of his giving, how he'd break himself into tiny pieces just to know he was saving something in this city. but that's not important. it's fine - he's still here, isn't he?]

Edited 2018-12-12 08:26 (UTC)

You stretch yourself thinner than I do sometimes, you always burn the candle at both ends... and for what? Did you always do this? Were you like this when you were with The Dirty Dawg too?

[Figuring out where the problem started is probably the smartest.]

I'm not therapist though, and I can't tell you what to do... maybe I just worry about you because you never seem to be thinking about yourself.

[he won't answer that question about before, he can't - those days are difficult to sift through even in the best of times. instead, one of his hands come up to stroke Doppo's cheek gently.]

I'm sorry to make you worry.

[now he's the one apologizing - the tables have been nearly utterly turned on them. how did confessions and kissing turn into this?]

Edited 2018-12-13 07:17 (UTC)

I worry because you are my friend, my leader, and the only other person in this world that I put any stock in besides Hifumi. Is it so wrong for me to worry about you?

[Doppo knows that he has even brought out a touchy subject, his relationship with other members of the dirty dawg. He knows that Sensei has no qualms with Samatoki or Ichiro, but when it comes to the subject of Amemura Ramuda. It's sore.]

When will you let us start taking care of you for a change?

...It's hard, for an old man set in his ways.

[he says it ruefully, with a smile, trying to not excuse himself but to explain.]

But I trust you with my life. That much is true. With your persistence - [because both of them were so stubborn] - I could see myself yielding, and consigning myself to your care. What would you do, if such a thing took place?

[if they convinced him to just relax for a bit, to settle down. it would run counter to all his instincts, but for them, he would.]

You know, you're only thirty-five. That isn't even touching old man yet. Mm, though... I feel like sometimes I am an eighty year old man trapped in a nearly thirty year old body.

[It's fine, Doppo knows the feeling. More than Jakurai thinks he does.]

I would care for you, obviously. But I can't properaly do such a thing until I can take care of my own worries and anxieties too.

[They could support each other until then...]

What were you like before we met? Back...back when you were with The Dirty Dawg. Did you always give this level of care to the people around you?

[Jakurai takes a deep breath, trying to pull out the threads that are the most harmless.]

I tried to. But I didn't always succeed at it. There was more time and less, simultaneously. And I took myself more seriously then.

I think you take yourself rather serious now, what could make you even more serious?

[Doppo raises his hands, combing them through Jakurai's hair. What could make Jinguji Jakurai more serious? What could cause him to be even more locked down than he already is sometimes...]

Sorry for all the questions.

[the action goes a long way towards soothing him - he takes care of his hair, but feeling someone else touch it relaxes him, and he trusts Doppo's hands.]

Things that are long over and done with.

[things he chose to leave behind. turning his face, he reaches for just one of Doppo's hands so he can kiss his wrist, if only because he's there and Jakurai wishes to.]

[He hopes so, because he keeps touching his hair. He never follows it all the way down. Just enough to pulls his nails along Jakurai's scalp. This is something that soothes Hifumi... he assumes it might help Jakurai too.]

I can understand that.

[His breath catches a little at the kiss to his wrist.]