shinjukudivision | (no subject)

[the motion doesn't catch him entirely by surprise, so he kisses back - sweetly, not pushing too far, but there for him. there to take this where he wants, to give him the comfort he's searching for. words and actions, if they can't remedy this, if they can't fix this. at least he can be kissed and reminded he is valued through the feeling.]

[It helps, definitely. Anything helps with Jakurai. He just had this natural calming quality about him. Doppo finds himself seeking it more often than not.

When he breaks the kiss, he rests his forehead against Jakurai's.]

[one of his hands begins to rub Doppo's back, steady and trying to soothe. anything else is long forgotten, apart from the delicate task of making sure that Doppo stays together, that he feels safe. calmer, in this space.

and it's Jakurai that leans in to kiss him one more time, just a little kiss on his lips, before he pulls Doppo closer to him, tucking his body back against him. safe, secure, never going to push too far. treasured and worth protecting, worth listening to. whether his words were whispered so low or screamed at the top of his lungs.]

Why are you such a giving person, Sensei? You give and give, and I want to give back to you. But I don't know how. I don't know what I can do for you.

[He frowns, tucking his body against, Jakurai's. Putting his head on his shoulder and letting himself be held. He doesn't mind this. He doesn't mind being taken care of right in Sensei's lap.]

You don't have to. This is who I am - what I enjoy doing. Those I care for - I want to see them healthy, happy.

[no one needs to give anything back to him. he wouldn't even know what to do with it if he got it. what could someone give him? what does he even want, aside from everything related to others?]

But when does Sensei, no, Jakurai. When does Jakurai make time for himself? To receive instead of give?

[Doppo is... serious, actually.]

[Jakurai falls silent at that, and it's his turn to glance down. he does make time for himself - goes out of the city, finds places to be calm on his days off, but is that the same thing? when he's brought them into it, when he does it so they can experience the same peace, and he can't tell where this duty ends and his wishes begin.]

...Not as often as I should.

[taking, receiving, instead of his giving, how he'd break himself into tiny pieces just to know he was saving something in this city. but that's not important. it's fine - he's still here, isn't he?]

Edited 2018-12-12 08:26 (UTC)

You stretch yourself thinner than I do sometimes, you always burn the candle at both ends... and for what? Did you always do this? Were you like this when you were with The Dirty Dawg too?

[Figuring out where the problem started is probably the smartest.]

I'm not therapist though, and I can't tell you what to do... maybe I just worry about you because you never seem to be thinking about yourself.

[he won't answer that question about before, he can't - those days are difficult to sift through even in the best of times. instead, one of his hands come up to stroke Doppo's cheek gently.]

I'm sorry to make you worry.

[now he's the one apologizing - the tables have been nearly utterly turned on them. how did confessions and kissing turn into this?]

Edited 2018-12-13 07:17 (UTC)

I worry because you are my friend, my leader, and the only other person in this world that I put any stock in besides Hifumi. Is it so wrong for me to worry about you?

[Doppo knows that he has even brought out a touchy subject, his relationship with other members of the dirty dawg. He knows that Sensei has no qualms with Samatoki or Ichiro, but when it comes to the subject of Amemura Ramuda. It's sore.]

When will you let us start taking care of you for a change?

...It's hard, for an old man set in his ways.

[he says it ruefully, with a smile, trying to not excuse himself but to explain.]

But I trust you with my life. That much is true. With your persistence - [because both of them were so stubborn] - I could see myself yielding, and consigning myself to your care. What would you do, if such a thing took place?

[if they convinced him to just relax for a bit, to settle down. it would run counter to all his instincts, but for them, he would.]

You know, you're only thirty-five. That isn't even touching old man yet. Mm, though... I feel like sometimes I am an eighty year old man trapped in a nearly thirty year old body.

[It's fine, Doppo knows the feeling. More than Jakurai thinks he does.]

I would care for you, obviously. But I can't properaly do such a thing until I can take care of my own worries and anxieties too.

[They could support each other until then...]

What were you like before we met? Back...back when you were with The Dirty Dawg. Did you always give this level of care to the people around you?

[Jakurai takes a deep breath, trying to pull out the threads that are the most harmless.]

I tried to. But I didn't always succeed at it. There was more time and less, simultaneously. And I took myself more seriously then.

I think you take yourself rather serious now, what could make you even more serious?

[Doppo raises his hands, combing them through Jakurai's hair. What could make Jinguji Jakurai more serious? What could cause him to be even more locked down than he already is sometimes...]

Sorry for all the questions.

[the action goes a long way towards soothing him - he takes care of his hair, but feeling someone else touch it relaxes him, and he trusts Doppo's hands.]

Things that are long over and done with.

[things he chose to leave behind. turning his face, he reaches for just one of Doppo's hands so he can kiss his wrist, if only because he's there and Jakurai wishes to.]

[He hopes so, because he keeps touching his hair. He never follows it all the way down. Just enough to pulls his nails along Jakurai's scalp. This is something that soothes Hifumi... he assumes it might help Jakurai too.]

I can understand that.

[His breath catches a little at the kiss to his wrist.]

[it does soothe him, a constant sensation, and the relief is visible in his features - the subtle release of tension in his brow.

he doesn't want to press anything, or presume too much with Doppo. but if this happened again, he couldn't say that he'd really be opposed. sitting here with him, feeling him close...kissing him too.]

It is enough to try and let them be past, now.

[Doppo will put that conversation to rest then, leaning forward... and kissing Jakurai. It's gentle, non-forceful. He just wanted something slow and nice. Something to ease the tension away and off of the other man's shoulders.

Doppo is actively trying to make someone else feel better.]

[it distracts him, sure, pulls his mind from hovering over the depths of memories he doesn't want to yet revisit. Doppo is in the present, in front of him, kissing him - and he kisses back, because he's there, and he can, and this feels worlds better than diving into his own mind.

maybe that's all that taking time for yourself is. something you do just because you can, because someone handsome is there with you, and no further thought is needed.]

[He wants to tell Jakurai that taking care of yourself is... hard and rough. But it needs to happen. It needs to be done. Sometimes you don't have the capacity to deal with everything that you're expected to deal with and that's fine. He's pretty sure that not everyone unpacks things the same way either.

He deepens the kiss, if Jakurai lets him.]

[the hesitation is there, for a split second. it's proof for how long it's been since he let himself go that he can remember - he's sure that things happen when he blacks out, things he can never remember and maybe doesn't want to. but this...this is safe. if he loosens his hold on his own self by degrees, he'll be okay. he has to believe that, else how can he be someone to give advice? to help?

so he parts his lips and lets Doppo in, encourages him to do what he wants, to explore this uncharted territory. it'll be fine.]

[There are one stop away, if not approaching a full make out. he never would have thought that the doctor would give him this much. If any at all. It was harder for him to fathom things like this as more than navel gazing. Doppo is also pretty sure that he just wants Jakurai to let go and be a little more liberal with what he wants.

He deprives himself of so much that he honestly deserves.

Doppo is starting to wonder if he should take his own advice.]

[the one step is taken, and Jakurai wraps one arm around Doppo's shoulders, pulling him closer. he feels better than he has in a long time - he wants, it floods through him, for this to be imperfect and desire and something he can sink into. Doppo spoke of his feelings and maybe this is too much, too fast, but Jakurai can always back off the moment a whisper of a "no" is there.

he wants Doppo to enjoy this as well, to fall in with him - who could see? who could tell them no, if they actually tried to practice what they preached?]

[There would be absolutely not a single person to stop them right now. Not a single person could come between them. He's happy in this spot right now, and being "happy" is not something that he normally thinks too much of, nor feels very often.

Finally Doppo gives in to Jakurai's parted lips, testing the waters and running their tongues together. Though, Doppo still seems a little shy even in this regard.]

[shy he might be, but Jakurai is less so, so ready to give Doppo what he seeks and wants from him until they're breathless, until his face is flushed from it. it makes them both happy, to be here right now and indulging their wants, and Jakurai wants nothing more than to kiss Doppo and encourage him to be greedy until that shyness has been drained from him for the night.

technically, a doctor shouldn't be involved with his patient. but when they're also in a rap group together and friends, Jakurai would say the boundaries become much different. they have to be, in order to have their tongue in your mouth and a warmth flushing your face.]