shinjukudivision | (no subject)

[very subtly, his arms tighten around Doppo.]

Does it?

[he still doesn't know what to say. but he's not pushing Doppo away, he wants to listen, to soak in these strange new words. these ideas.]

The stresses leave me for a while, I really only ever focus on you.

[It's nice to focus on other people. It's nice to be near someone who genuinely cares for your well-being.]

But really, it's fine if you don't feel the same.

I'm not sure what I feel.

[the words are softer, but they're still honest. it's just...been a long time since someone looked at him, saw him. since he entertained the idea of feelings for another person that ran in a different direction than anything he knows.]

But I know a way to discern the truth.

What way is that?

[Doppo gives him a look. Uncertain of what he means. Doppo is close, and wanting to be closer still. This is a feat for him, as a person who isn't always keen on such flamboyant displays of physical affection even in private.]

I can move away if this is too much.

That's not what I mean.

[he's close, yes, close enough that if Jakurai shifts, he can easily turn his head and gently press his lips to Doppo's. it was the swiftest way he could think of for deciphering his feelings - instead of what would have been the weeks of consideration in free time, the wondering if this made all of their work together different, the awkward tension between them that would have been there.

he kisses him, because he can - because he wants to. what this ends up revealing in his heart, he'll have to find out.]

[This is where Doppo’s brain left his body. It’s only for a moment, but it’s a long moment. He considers that Jakurai is kissing him, and that maybe he didn’t need to soil his good image by kissing someone like him.

As quick as it exited, his brain returned. Kicking into overdrive. He kisses back, and it’s hungry. Hungry for the affection he never gets, hungry for the things he always seems to be denying himself.]

[the well of giving that exists in Jakurai is bottomless - he always finds more to give away of himself, to respond to need and act in its fulfillment, to come to the aid of another. a selfish kind of selflessness, that neglects to care about the cost when the reward was there. Doppo is starved for affection, attention in a way that tells him yes, that reminds him that he too is human, with all the will and want of one.

it is all too easy to give him exactly what he wants this kiss to have. permission and care and all of his focus on Doppo alone. not quite lost in the kiss, but enough. enough to let him know. I see you.]

[Doppo wonders to his very core, even caught up in this kiss, if the man before him is doing this just to please him. Just to make things a little easier for Doppo. Is Jakurai doing this because he wants to, or because he feels like he had to.

How does he lock away all of the bad thoughts his brain gives him, especially at such an inopportune moment. Why can't he just give in to his selfish desires? He really wants to.

He pulls away after a moment.]

... is it okay to do this? To kiss you? To ask you to keep kissing me?

[it doesn't make things clearer, for Jakurai. it makes them more blurred, the distinction between friend and close and someone who he wants to kiss, and he wishes he knew if it came from sincere desire or because he needed the contact, if this is him giving himself away or if they're meeting in the middle. he doesn't know, and so he has to breathe, eyes searching Doppo's.]

Yes. I was the one who kissed you first.

[he instigated this. if Doppo wants to continue, then maybe things will fall into place. the line between caring for Matenrou to the exclusion of things else and caring personally is a tricky one.]

[Doppo wants to continue. But he finds himself shifting, turning Jakurai's head towards him again and putting himself first for once. Pressing their lips back together. Doppo isn't like the ebb and flow of the ocean. He's the first wave of the storm, he's a force all his own when he crawls out from under his pile of paperwork.

This time the kiss is far more confident, like Doppo has finally figured out what he wanted and is taking charge.

When he pulls away? He's a little more than breathless.]

[it crashes into his chest, and Jakurai finds himself grateful for it. to witness this, to see Doppo take control of his own wants. there is a core stronger than steel under everything else, and when it shows, he's every bit a wolf that could be hoped for.

the confidence helps to clear out some of the doubt. this is what Doppo wants. and, Jakurai is beginning to feel, it's what he wants as well. remove the haze of doubt and apology. just be selfish, and take.

he's not the only one breathing harder when they break apart, Jakurai's eyes having closed and being slower to open. his eyes take in Doppo's face, his lips, the look in his eyes. and then he nods just a touch. it's still okay.]

[Doppo moves, finally, arranging himself in a straddle over Jakurai's lap. It's nothing overtly sexual. In fact, this was really the only only way Doppo could arrange himself to get closer to Jakurai. To put both arms around his neck.

Is he basically hugging him? Yes.]

I couldn't think of another way to be closer, forgive me, Sensei.

[It's said with a small laugh.]

[it does still make him very aware of where Doppo is. how close he is, when his heart's recovering from that kiss. and then, he shakes his head minutely.]

...Jakurai.

[no need to be so formal. try his name again.]

[This is asking a lot of Doppo. One who respects Jakurai so deeply. His grip tightens, body leaned forward and chin resting on Jakurai's shoulder.]

...Jakurai.

[He repeats after him.]

Sensei, do you... would you prefer if I called you that?

I want you to call me what you're comfortable with.

[this is honest, and his arms wrap around Doppo a little better.]

But I also hope that one day you feel relaxed enough around me that you reach for my name first.

Jakurai, Jakurai, Jakurai....

[The name rolls off of his tongue so easily. So cleanly. He doesn't dislike it. Rather. He likes the feeling of his name. It swells pride within him.]

I can get used to this.

[He's really trying.]

[the smile on his face is evident in his tone.]

That's my sincere hope, Doppo-kun.

[that he's comfortable, and used to the name. that he doesn't feel like formality needs to come between them when they're talking alone.]

Say it as much as you want.

[A smile on Jakurai is rare, and appreciated. Doppo feels like he has done something right.]

Jakurai...

[One more time he is letting it roll off of his lips.]

Just....Doppo, then. It's fine.

[he pulls back a little to look at him, eyes widening a fraction. that was a move he didn't expect - jumping straight from "sensei" to his name with nothing on it.]

Doppo.

[he says it carefully, as if it'll disappear if he's not looking.]

[Kannonzaka "Go Big or Go Home" Doppo, here. He knew that it was long due that he made himself familiar with the fact that Jakurai was in front of him, and the fact that the man he admired wanted to give him affection on the same level.

He might be a little bit in love, he thinks. But that isn't a thought he will fact on right away.]

Say it again, please.

Doppo.

[and it's a little more confident this time. affectionate. maybe he doesn't know what he feels just yet - maybe it's not the same, maybe it is. but it doesn't change that he cares for Doppo highly, and that he wants to keep looking out for him, and to see him smile.

[His shoulders relax a little more. He said his name, he kissed him. Could Doppo even stand to ask for anything else from this man? He doesn't think so. He really doesn't. Doppo's selfishness has come to an end tonight.

All he wanted was this, and he received it by merely asking.]

I feel like I can forget my stress for a little while.

It doesn't have to exist right now.

[all of his stress could be locked outside the door. on reflex, Jakurai's hand moves up to soothingly rub Doppo's back - this is the most relaxed he's seen him ever, really. far be it from him to complain.]

It doesn't. It won't interfere right now. It's just you and I in this room.

[He says that to reassure himself. To make sure Jakurai heard. Doppo grips his shoulders. Pressing little kisses on the other man's cheeks, his forehead. Where ever lips could touch skin.]

[Doppo says it to make it real, he knows, and Jakurai nods, takes the kisses falling on him like rain, gentle and numerous. his eyes fall shut, his own acknowledgement of these truths. trying to relax to a degree himself, to focus a little more on feeling than measuring out these interactions, instead of thinking so hard that he's sure his mind needs to cool down.

(later, Jakurai will be able to go still, and feel the ghost of Doppo's hands on his shoulders. how they kept him anchored right where he was. how Doppo brought him there, and how much he might have needed that as much as the other.)

but his eyes are closed because he trusts him - trusts Doppo without hesitation, that in this space he can ask for what he wants, not just needs. stress, self consciousness, all the apologies - there's a solid door and a lock between them and now, and there is permission to simply exist.]