shinjukudivision | (no subject)

[he pulls back a little to look at him, eyes widening a fraction. that was a move he didn't expect - jumping straight from "sensei" to his name with nothing on it.]

Doppo.

[he says it carefully, as if it'll disappear if he's not looking.]

[Kannonzaka "Go Big or Go Home" Doppo, here. He knew that it was long due that he made himself familiar with the fact that Jakurai was in front of him, and the fact that the man he admired wanted to give him affection on the same level.

He might be a little bit in love, he thinks. But that isn't a thought he will fact on right away.]

Say it again, please.

Doppo.

[and it's a little more confident this time. affectionate. maybe he doesn't know what he feels just yet - maybe it's not the same, maybe it is. but it doesn't change that he cares for Doppo highly, and that he wants to keep looking out for him, and to see him smile.

[His shoulders relax a little more. He said his name, he kissed him. Could Doppo even stand to ask for anything else from this man? He doesn't think so. He really doesn't. Doppo's selfishness has come to an end tonight.

All he wanted was this, and he received it by merely asking.]

I feel like I can forget my stress for a little while.

It doesn't have to exist right now.

[all of his stress could be locked outside the door. on reflex, Jakurai's hand moves up to soothingly rub Doppo's back - this is the most relaxed he's seen him ever, really. far be it from him to complain.]

It doesn't. It won't interfere right now. It's just you and I in this room.

[He says that to reassure himself. To make sure Jakurai heard. Doppo grips his shoulders. Pressing little kisses on the other man's cheeks, his forehead. Where ever lips could touch skin.]

[Doppo says it to make it real, he knows, and Jakurai nods, takes the kisses falling on him like rain, gentle and numerous. his eyes fall shut, his own acknowledgement of these truths. trying to relax to a degree himself, to focus a little more on feeling than measuring out these interactions, instead of thinking so hard that he's sure his mind needs to cool down.

(later, Jakurai will be able to go still, and feel the ghost of Doppo's hands on his shoulders. how they kept him anchored right where he was. how Doppo brought him there, and how much he might have needed that as much as the other.)

but his eyes are closed because he trusts him - trusts Doppo without hesitation, that in this space he can ask for what he wants, not just needs. stress, self consciousness, all the apologies - there's a solid door and a lock between them and now, and there is permission to simply exist.]

My chest feels lighter right now, and... it's nice. I can't remember the last time I felt like this. The last time that I could relax like this.

[Doppo closes the small space between them and kisses his lips again, soft and more confident this time. It doesn't last very long, Doppo is quick to retreat.

But he's not hesitant to lean his full body on Jakurai now.]

I wonder if it is possible to always feel like this.

[the weight of him is new, but he opens his eyes, bending his head to put it on Doppo's shoulder.]

Maybe not always, but more often, certainly. Whenever you can leave your stress at the door and say "enough." If, I think, you let yourself want more, and act on it more. Part of that tension is you trying to hold yourself back, instead of being yourself. Doppo.

[he can't help the slight lapse into advice - but he'll try to couple it as well with something from his heart, not the physician's handbook.]

If you need to be reminded of that more, you know I'm here.

I need to be reminded of a lot, it seems. Being myself is hard unless I have my mic in my hands. Being myself...is far removed from what I am accustomed to.

[He sighs happily, letting Jakurai tucks his head there.]

Are you happy right now...? With this arrangement. You and I, is what I mean.

I...honestly, I don't know.

[he could say he was, but happiness was something he was careful with. kept close, so it didn't run. and there were so many different forms.]

But I know that I want to find out. To see where this possibility could take us. Does that make sense?

It does make sense, and I understand. I won't be impatient with you, Jakurai. I will give you the time that you need.

[Doppo knows that he truly does not know happiness. Maybe he was trying to feel it for himself. Jakurai was the closest thing he could ever begin to feel like he could be happy around.

Hifumi, well, Hifumi was a completely different story. A completely different feeling in most respects. Hifumi is home to him, and Jakurai was happiness.]

Thank you. I promise I won't take too long to give you a proper reply.

[it's rare that he asks for time, instead of giving it. but he can't properly say what he feels - this confusing mess of things. Doppo came to him looking for companionship, for relaxation, for the release of stress, not to gather Jakurai's own. no, he'll handle it. somehow.

pulling back some, he just looks at Doppo, studying him. remembering him, every small detail.]

[If Sensei really wants to look close, Doppo... looks tired. He always looks tired. He knows that. He is sort of embarrassed by it. The years of working in that office have worn on him.]

I want you to do what will be best for you, Jakurai.

And if I'm not quite certain what will be best for me at the present?

[he does not feel too much shame, admitting that to Doppo. Matenrou, he trusts with himself entire. he can be exposed, a little.]

Other than staying here, of course.

Then we...just be patient. I guess?

[Doppo laughs a little under his breath, curling even closer to Jakurai at that.]

You know, I really am not the one to be asking for advice from. You really are a lot better at it than I am.

I'm far from perfect. I need advice just as much as anyone else does.

[even if he's always the helper, the caretaker. the one in charge, the oldest who looks out for the rest.]

And I value your perspective. You see things I might overlook.

It feels weird to give you advice if only because your opinion and Hifumi's opinion are the only ones that I ever care to hear. No one else matters to me. I don't ever really care what people think.

I get worked up over my job, but in the end...all of those people are shit. My managers are uneducated fuckwits and they don't pay me nearly enough to deal with what I deal with. I'm the one making all of their calls while they sit on their asses all the time.

Ah— but that... wasn't the focus here.

No one has ever told me before that they cared for anything that I had to say. No one.

[He looks down and away, how...how did Jakurai have this effect on him?]

I talked too much again, sorry about my habit.

Doppo. Please don't look away like you're ashamed of speaking to me.

[why is he ashamed? why does he want to hide, in private, when Jakurai is here to listen?]

You don't have to be sorry for saying what you want. Not to me. Not to Hifumi. Tell us everything, in as many words as you want.

[rant, if he needed to. scream and cry, if he needed to. to make him breathe easier, to work through whatever rollercoaster of emotions they're on right now, from stress to kissing to the truth that burns so bright at his core.]

Let me listen. I care for it all.

I talk too much and I end up ranting. It's just a really bad habit, I know even if you say you want to listen to it... you probably have a lot more to deal with. I don't want to be the cause of someone's stress.

I'm stressed enough, and knowing I caused it for someone else would make me sick to my stomach.

[He can't breathe right now, actually. Breath caught in his throat. Aaah, why is he always like this? On Sensei's lap no less.]

[he lets go of him, but only so he can cup his face in his hands, and make Doppo look at him. he doesn't need a mic to make his voice calm, soothing, to try and heal where the wrong is.]

Breathe.

[breathe with him. slow inhale, slow exhale.]

You are not the cause of my stress. I'm [-part of your crew. your doctor. your friend. your something else.] -right here. If you rant, then you rant. And I'm glad, to know you trust me enough to tell me all of this.

[His world comes back, each piece falling back in line where it should. This is much better than choking on his own breath. His eyes trail back down to Jakurai's.

Breath in, breath out. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Not too fast, and not too slow. The rise and fall of their chests matching.]

I want to be someone who makes you happy, but... how can I do that when I don't know how to be happy?

We can figure it out. Over time.

[together, is the implication. slowly, he lowers his hands to rest on Doppo's shoulders.]

Happiness will come to us when we least expect it.

[He nods, not sure of what else he can say. Not sure how he can really remedy this situation any further. He takes a breath in, and a breath out. He looks deep into Jakurai's eyes for a moment before making this decision.

He leans in, pressing their lips together again. Determined to find solace in this.]

[the motion doesn't catch him entirely by surprise, so he kisses back - sweetly, not pushing too far, but there for him. there to take this where he wants, to give him the comfort he's searching for. words and actions, if they can't remedy this, if they can't fix this. at least he can be kissed and reminded he is valued through the feeling.]